I've always had a bad relationship with food. I remember being in preschool, decorating cookies and cupcakes for Valentine's day, and being so annoyed that I had to wait to eat my cookie because I had to decorate it first, that I ate it, then lied to the teacher about not getting a cookie so I could have another one. I remember coming home from school, plopping down in front of the TV with 3 snack size bags of chips before dinner. Even as an adult, I can plow through entire frozen pizzas, no problem.
I eat when I'm tired, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm sad. I eat a lot and I eat a lot of things that aren't good for me. I have a bad day and I think, "f*ck it, I'm ordering a large pizza from Papa John's and eating it all because I just don't care about anything anymore." That thought consumes me for the rest of the day, even if my day turns around and I'm in a good mood when I get home. I can't help myself, it takes over and I go into autopilot and eat without thinking.
I've learned that I'm not one of those people who can have "just a little bit." Moderation is something I have to force and it takes every ounce of will to force it. If there is a burger and fries in front of me, I cannot stop eating until it's gone, even if I'm comfortably full half-way through. It's like my brain turns off that voice that tells me, "stop eating, Erin, you are full, that's enough." Actually, it's more like I lose consciousness while I'm binge eating and come to when it's all over and the only thing I can do is wonder, "WHY DID I DO THAT?"
I've learned that the best way to keep myself from overeating is to not even go near foods that are bad for me. I can't have just a bite of cake, or half a cookie. It's easier for me to not have cookies at all than to have just one cookie. My relationship with food is something that has to change.
I'm not a complete lost cause. I've come a long way in my overall fitness and activity levels. I fell in love with running this summer. Yes, me, the girl who for years proclaimed her pure hatred for running, actually loves running. I said I hated it because I didn't think I could do it, but you know what? I can. I'm a good runner. I ran a mile in under 9 minutes last week. I started running in June 2010 at the YMCA, because I realized the elliptical was boring and didn't challenge me enough. I hopped on a treadmill and could barely run half a mile, but that half a mile made me realize I wanted to be able to run a full mile without stopping. So, I worked up to that mile. Then I worked up to another mile. I bought my first pair of real running shoes and didn't look back.
Somewhere in August I started running outside with the goal of running all the way around Lake Harriet: 2.75 miles, no walking. In September, I accomplished my goal: I ran all the way around Lake Harriet without walking once. I cried right there at the lake. I cried because I couldn't believe I could actually accomplish a goal I set for myself. I moved onto Lake Calhoun, 3.1 miles around. After a couple weeks, I was able to run around that lake without stopping. I had never run that far, ever. I can't tell you how incredible I felt.
I've been pretty active with regular running almost all fall and winter. I'm running 2-4 miles a day, 3-5 times a week. Now, let me tell you, I never make New Years resolutions, but this year I decided to get fit. I joined LA Fitness and love it. I don't care if people think that fancy gyms are a waste of money. I will spend $30 a month to go to a gym that I like. It's clean, the machines are nice and have TVs to watch while I run, it's flashy, some of the guys are nice to look at, and damnit I like going there. It makes me want to go and run because I like going there. I hired a trainer 2 times a month to hold me accountable and give me motivation and variety.
I've lost 4 pounds. That's not a lot for the amount of time I've put into my goal and I know why. It's my eating habits. I still give into cravings, I still binge eat, and I still cannot go out to eat and limit myself. I am working on it, but it's hard. However, I've made steps to being healthier. I'll tell you the changes that I have made to my diet:
- I quit drinking alcohol entirely. The only things I drink are water, tea, coffee and the occasional Diet Coke. I drink at least 3 liters of water a day.
- I cut out red meat. No more burgers, no more steak. I eat turkey and chicken.
- I cook more. I bring my lunch to school in my T.C. the Bear lunchbox like a 3rd grader.
- I count calories with an app on my iPod touch.
- I take vitamins and a calcium supplement, every single day.
- Veggies and fruits are in every meal and most snacks.
- I have put myself on a regular sleep schedule. I go to sleep early and I wake up at 8am everyday, including weekends.
So, what is my goal? I want to lose 30 pounds (well, 26 now.) 30 pounds of weight loss will put me into a healthy BMI and lower my body fat percentage into the healthy range. (My trainer opened my eyes to how unhealthy I am and how I'm approaching the "O-word" with my body fat percentage.) I want to be a better, faster, stronger runner. I also want to run the Monster Dash Half Marathon in October. 13.1 miles, no stopping. Yeah, I would be lying if I said wanting to lose weight didn't have some basis in wanting to look good. Of course I want to look good. I want to put on a bikini and feel comfortable in front of people. I want to feel confident, strong, and sexy.
Why am I blogging? I need a place to let it all out. I need a place to vent about how much it sucks, a place to celebrate my little accomplishments, and a place to share my journey and maybe help someone else along the way. I will be posting recipes, finding inspiration, pleading for support, and sharing little things that make me smile and make each day a bit easier.
It's time for bed. I am approaching tomorrow as Day One all over again. I need a fresh start and a fresh dose of motivation.
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