What a long week!

Hello! Sorry I've been MIA for a bit. I've been a busy kid. On Friday, I went shopping for all the goods for my sister's baby shower and then I got a call from work. They needed me to come in. After work I did not feel like going home to cut fruit and veggies, so I went to a friend's house and hung out for a while. Saturday morning, I ran around frantically, to the party store, to the grocery store, to the party. I got lost in suburbia because Google told me to turn on a street that was actually signed something completely different. Thanks Google! I wrapped gifts, cut veggies and fruit, set up the party and drank enough caffeine to make a small elephant jittery. I went right from the party to work, got home at 1am and crashed. Sunday I spent about 5 hours at Panera working on my resume, a paper evaluating a website's usability based on heuristics, and my taxes. Looooonnnggg day. 


The party was beautiful. So many wonderful women in one room. My sister looked so pretty, pregnancy definitely suits her. There was TONS of food! At first I thought we would run out, but not even close. We had so much left over and we tried to send it all home with people. My friend's mom makes the most delicious mini cheesecakes. I may have had a couple... 


But it's OK, because as of this morning, I am back down to 173! Eeee!!!!!!! I haven't even been tracking my calories that closely, or running that much. I've just been eating when I'm hungry, eating healthy foods, snacking on fruits, and have small things when I'm craving them. It seems to be working well.


As for the working out, I was literally so busy, I couldn't swing it. And now, I have no voice, a sore throat, and an very stuffy nose. I sound like a muppet. 


How was your weekend?

Not hungry.

I ate so much yesterday and I'm not hungry at all today. Every time I ate yesterday, I was hungry within ten minutes, like starving. I had my usual breakfast of two pieces of whole wheat toast, almond butter, a banana and coffee at 8am, and by 9, I was famished again. I had another piece of toast and an orange. Lunch time rolls around and I was hungry again! I always bring my lunch and snacks to class with me since I'm there from 11:00am to 8:30pm. I had a turkey wrap, salad, almonds, berries and yogurt. Still hungry. Had a cookie. Still hungry. Had an apple, carrots, and a mini Luna bar. Got home from school, had chicken wrap with veggies and some pita chips. 10:30pm, hungry again. I finally just went to bed and here I am now. At least most of what I ate yesterday was healthy food. Lots of berries, fruit, and veggies. I just couldn't get full! 


Not hungry. I'm sitting next to my usual breakfast and I don't want it. This is so weird, usually I'm pretty hungry when I wake up. I guess I'm still full (FINALLY) from yesterday. I'm a big weirdo.


Good news though, I finished one project early! A full week early!! My paper that was due Thursday is now due Tuesday. I still have an interview today, work, and I'm going to try to finish my paper tonight. And there's still the baby shower on Saturday . . . I'll be glad when everything's done and I can enjoy spending time with my sister and our family and friends. 


Wish me luck on the interview today! I need a weekend job and this one would be perfect. It's a bartending job for an event and catering company in Minneapolis. From what they told me on the phone, it seems like I can pick and choose what days I work, which will be nice. I used to work retail on the weekends, and let me tell you, waking up early on a Saturday or Sunday to go running is one thing. Waking up early to go sell clothing to women is another. It was not fun and it sucked up my weekends entirely. Hopefully, this job will allow me to make some extra cash and still have a day off each week. 

Hungry!

I am hungry! Yesterday and today, my meals have not been filling me up! I was starving all day yesterday, no matter how much I ate. Don't worry, I had more food by eating more fruit and veggies, but I'm still starving! What's up with me? It's not the kind of hungry where I want to binge on stuff, it's the real kind of hungry.


It could be because my week is insanely busy and I'm burning through everything. I also eat when I'm stressed, but this is actual hunger. I have a large project due Thursday, another due a week from today, another due a week from Thursday, I'm hosting a baby shower for my sister on Saturday, I have a job interview tomorrow, I'm working on my resume so I can send it in to get an internship, my hours at my bartending job just doubled because of a big staffing shift which includes working Friday night and Saturday night right after the baby shower, plus it's that time of the month. I'M STARVING.


I don't know how much time I'll have to workout this week. It's pretty packed. I might skip cardio this week and workout at home with some strength stuff, but that might be all I have time for.


Do you ever go through a phase where no matter how much you eat, you are still really hungry? I'm not talking about being munchie and wanting to eat anything covered in chocolate or salt, but being actually hungry. What do you eat when that happens? 

Oofta!

Hey guys, I might be blogging less for a little bit. I've got a ton on my plate the next few weeks and I'm busier than ever! No worries, it's the good kind of busy. I'll update more later, but I've got to get on with my day!


P.s. Shoulder workout today. I can't lift my arms now. Owwww! Oh, and I discovered the stationary bike today. Tons of fun and my quads are feeling it! Cross training, here I come!

6.4 miles

No walking. No stopping. Straight jogging/running twice around Lake Calhoun's bike path. Yup. Sure, I was moving slow, but I was still going faster than the speed walkers. 


I decided yesterday it was time to try a long run. I don't know why, but I just really wanted to test myself. I've never run farther than 4.5 miles, and I figured if I'm going to set a goal of doing a half marathon in October (did I ever mention that goal? *See side note) that I'd better try out longer distances. Usually I just run 3 to 3.5 miles most days, but I had a Saturday off and it was SO beautiful in Minneapolis that I just went out and did it. 6.4 miles later, here I am, glowing in my accomplishment. 

Have you ever heard the phrase, "piss like a racehorse"? Charming, I know. Racehorses really push themselves during races and overexertion can cause bleeding in the lungs and nose. They are given a medication before races to keep them from bleeding during the race.  This medication is also a diuretic, which causes heavy urination. Combine that with the sheer adrenaline horses feel before racing and they pee a lot before races. Well, that was me before my run. No, I wasn't on any meds, but I was so pumped up for this run for some reason that I had to pee 3 times before I even started. 


The first 2 miles were just fine, nothing difficult, just a nice easy pace. I always start and stop at the same point around the lake, and there is one stretch at the beginning of mile 3 that I hate. It's straight and slightly uphill the whole way. I cruised my way down (or up) that stretch and started on my second lap feeling good. Then the side stitches hit. "Breathe through them. In and out, breathe, and don't break the pace." I kept saying that to myself. I'm pretty sure people could hear me talking to myself, but frankly I didn't care, they only saw me for a few seconds and then I was gone. My legs still felt strong and my breathing was good. I was a a good pace that I could keep the whole time. Around mile 5, my left IT band started getting tight and my leg started cramping. I was not about to stop, I had made it that far and I was going to finish. I started trying to shake my legs out mid-stride, which just made me look stupid, but I didn't care who was watching, I just wanted to finish what I had started. 


I could see my car ahead of me about a quarter of a mile and I decided to finish strong. I sprinted as hard as I could manage that last quarter mile. I have never felt so proud of myself. 6.4 miles!


Nice way to start the weekend, huh? :) I need a nap now.




*Side note. I don't remember if I've mentioned my goal of running the Monster Dash Half Marathon in October 2011. It's my ultimate fitness goal for this year and being lighter and healthier will definitely help me attain it. I think I'm going to run it dressed as Lindsay Lohan, my Halloween costume from last year. Check out the mugshot board I made:

Handmade by me. Please, no stealing this idea!

OK, shower and nap time. I'm tired.

ARRRGGHHHHKLSAJOIFJEOWJLSDKFJIOEW

I have fallen so far off that wagon that it's miles away and I'm too full of bad food to go catch it. I've gained back 4 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I haven't been eating well, I've been giving in to temptation left and right. My self-control is gone! Where oh where did it go?! 


I've lost focus. I guess I'm just so sick of constantly thinking about food. It's annoying to not be able to just EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON and not have to count every calorie, think about every meal. It seems like food is what I spend 50% of my day thinking about, and believe me, I've got a lot of other things to think about. I'm so sick of not being able to be around food and not want to devour it, or reading a yummy recipe for cookies and be hit with an uncontrollable craving for sugar. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL WITH FOOD! I want to be able to go to a restaurant and order something healthy without having an internal battle with myself over wanting to order fries and grease.


Yesterday was prime for me. Someone brought cupcakes to my typography class, I didn't even consider saying no. Someone else had pecan sandies, had a couple of those. I had just finished dinner when my friend called asking if I wanted to go to Liquor Lyles for drinks and apps. Sitting in my living room, I figured, sure I can go and order water and not eat apps, no problem! Well, 3 beers and tons of appetizers later, there I was wanting to punch myself in the face. My roommate had also just eaten dinner, she had maybe 3 cheese curds and declared herself too full for anything more. HOW DOES SHE DO THAT? What is it like to be full? I don't get full until I've stuffed everything I can into my face. I don't understand.


It's April 1. I'm done with feeling guilty about food. I'm done with giving into temptation. I'm done wanting to beat myself up. If fighting temptation makes me feel great, why don't I do it more often? Why do I give in to temptation when all it does is make me feel like crap later? WHY? It doesn't make sense, so I'm done doing it. 


I am making a promise to you, dear readers, for the month of April, I will not have one cheat, I will not give in to one temptation. You are holding me to it. I want to see if I can do it. If I have enough willpower and self discipline to do it. One solid month of ZERO CHEATS. No little nibbles, no dinners out, no alcohol, no pop, just good for me food. LET'S DO THIS!!!

Here's a pickle for ya

I hate pickles, by the way. And I've never understood why, "That's a pickle!" means something is hard to figure out. What about a pickle is hard to figure out? Anyway. Please stay with me, I've had some Sudafed and I just woke up from a nap.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I stayed home from work today because I have a sinus infection and my face not only felt like it was going to explode, but it looked like it too. I am a puff ball in my face. I fell asleep for a while and I woke up SO MUNCHIE. I wanted everything and anything. Luckily, it was lunch time, but I still munched on a couple of things I shouldn't have. This happens to me every single time I take a nap. I will wake up not even hungry, but wanting snackssnackssnacks! This doesn't happen in the morning when I wake up, just when I take naps. What do you think?


A few websites seem to think this is because my blood sugar is low before I nap, which is why I'm tired enough to nap, and then it's even lower after my nap. The thing is, I had a snack of almonds before I fell asleep, thinking if I had a snack before my nap, I wouldn't wake up hungry. I think for me, it's more to do with how groggy I am when I wake up and my self-control is still asleep. It's like I'll come to 5 minutes after waking up and find myself with my hand in a box of crackers or a tub of ice cream.




Do you get munchie after naps? What do you think is happening to me?




UPDATE! I just got hit with that feeling. No, not that one, get your mind out of the gutter! That feeling that I need to MOVE. I had completely forgotten about my sinus infection and went for it. And it was such a beautiful day outside in Minneapolis. I ran around Calhoun and it was perfect. I jogged the first 2 miles and then did interval sprints the last mile. It was perfect. I hit up Whole Foods after my run having been hit with food inspiration. I picked up some frozen yogurt, aged balsamic vinegar, almond butter and another MASSIVE bag of baby carrots because I plowed through my first. I'm going to *gasp* change up my breakfast. I've been eating Skippy Natural Peanut butter, but I don't know if that's the best choice for me. So I'm trying out almond butter. We'll see how it goes! 

My dinner tonight. Spinach salad with my newly purchased aged balsamic vinegar, red onions, a salmon burger and an english muffin with a bit of Smart Balance buttery spread. Grand total: 337 calories and so so so tasty!

I'm trying really hard to try new recipes and put new things together. I'm finding out that variety is my friend. I get sick of certain foods and then I stray off the plan because I'm bored. If I can get creative, I'll be more likely to stick with it every day. After a great run and a great dinner, I am feeling way better. Sinus infection: you're no match for me!

The verdict is in

Last night I cooked up something different for dinner. I really love salmon, but buying it fresh and cooking it is expensive and time consuming. Then I saw these guys.

Blue Horizon Salmon Burgers

D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S!!!!! They are made of wild salmon (not farmed,) no preservatives, antibiotics, or chemicals. 157 calories, 8.5g fat, 18.2g protein, 312mg sodium. I'm always kind of cautious about premade/prepackaged things in the frozen foods section. I always think stuff I find there are high in sodium, low in nutrients, because so much of it is! My roommate bought a frozen pasta dish/dinner in a bag thing and it had 1200mg of sodium in one serving! That's half your day's recommended intake of sodium in 1.5 cups of pasta!!! It also has half your day of saturated fat AND half your day of cholesterol, and about 550 calories for one serving, with only 3g fiber and 17g protein. So unhealthy and not worth it!


Anyway, sorry, unhealthy crap like that gets me all worked up. As you can see, these salmon burgers don't have that much sodium. I had my burger on a 100 calorie english muffin with some feta cheese and tons of veggies. I was in love! Plus, one burger has 1,000mg Omega-3s! For dessert, I warmed up a Vitatop and then smothered it in warmed berries. I told ya, I'm addicted to berries!


Are there any healthy foods you can't get enough of right now? Have you found any grocery store gems like my salmon burgers?

Just another manic Sunday/Monday/Tuesday

Wow! Busy, busy weekend! Yesterday I went grocery shopping and I was so proud of the contents of my refrigerator that I took some pictures. *Disclaimer, I did not buy all this at once today. Most of it, I already had. I'm not made of money!*

The door of the freezer - Look at all those veggies! I have salmon burgers that I'm trying tonight, Weight Watchers 100 calorie English toffee bars and Vitatops, of course!

I am addicted to berries. What you can't see is the GIANT bag of raspberries behind the GIANT bag of mixed fruit that also has raspberries in it . . . There was a sale at Target and I love raspberries! There's also some chicken and turkey hiding back there.

Lettuce, spinach, snow peas, behind that are eggs.

Yogurt, my large bag of carrots that I go to when I'm feeling munchy, cheeses, and hot salsa.

I have a lot of food now! I can't wait to start cooking things up. I bought a canister of whipped cream to put of my berries for dessert. I've found that warm berries, or berries that I accidentally defrosted in the microwave for too long, taste really good with a little whipped cream on top. It's like pie minus all the sugar and calories. Mmmmm!


Remember when I was feeling like losing myself in a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos? My salty/spicy craving? Well, I found these:

Jennie-O Spicy Italian Turkey Sausage

They are SO TASTY. 160 calories, 17g protein, but the downside is . . . the sodium. It's up there, but I don't eat that much sodium anyway, so I figure one sausage every once in a while is OK. I had mine in a Flatout Flatbread with some ketchup, a salad, and some fruit. It was really satisfying. I want to get some peppers and make sausage and peppers with a little pasta. Yum!


Back to the manic Sunday/Monday/Tuesday. . . Here was my to-do list for Sunday

Sorry it's so dark! Spyhouse Coffee doesn't have the best lighting.

I got about half of it done at Spyhouse and the rest is for tonight. My life is busy and keeps getting busier! That's OK, I like this kind of busy. At least it's fun!

Running shoe companies: Where are the cute shoes for me?!

I have flat feet and I over-pronate, thus I need motion control shoes. It seems like running shoe companies think over-pronators are under-stylish. Here's what I drool over when it comes to shoes:

Love the blue & orange contrast.

My dream shoe. Black with lime green accents. Sigh.

Purple! 

They are all for neutral runners!!!! ARRRGGHHH!!! And here's what shoe designers have come up with for over-pronators, like me:

Most of the blue accents are on the bottom of the shoe, because that's the part of your shoe you see when you look down... right.

Let's not get TOO crazy with those bright, bold, accent colors.

I can't even come up with something smart-assed and sarcastic for this. It's just UGLY.

See my frustration? I am dying for a stylish running shoe with enough support for me. This is what I'm running on right now, and trust me, it's the most stylish one out there. Asics Gel Foundation 9. At least the blue accents are visible... kind of.

Dear running shoe, I love you. You fit so well, you support my feet, help my knee, keep me injury free, but could you at least try to be cute? No?

What's the deal? Why don't running shoe companies put any design effort into their motion control shoes? I envy those girls at the gym with neutral arches and the cute shoes. I'm considering writing to every shoe company and begging them to put more effort into the motion control designs. We over-pronators like style too!

Sigh. Maybe someday.

What kind of feet do you have? What brand of running shoe do you own? Does style affect what shoes you buy? Are you one of those lucky girls who have neutral feet and can buy stylish shoes?

This week has been...

Lazy in every way possible. After my meltdown on Sunday, I've been taking it easy. I'm still committed to losing weight, but I needed a break from the continuous focus on counting calories and fitting in workouts. I needed a mental breather from it for a week. I've been pretty good with eating and I still worked out, but I didn't count calories, I didn't worry about going over my limit. 


Tomorrow, I'm starting again, refreshed and refocused. I still want the goal, it's embedded deep within me and I am still committed to it. I just needed to give myself a break and relax my hold on myself. But tomorrow, I'm going back on my plan of 1,500-1,600 calories a day, 4-5 days of running, and 3 days of strength.


I am super excited about my life right now though. I have numerous career opportunities that have come my way. I'm applying for an internship at a design firm in Minneapolis. My name was offered for a marketing/design internship at the club where I tend bar that I could do on top of my duties as a bartender and still get paid. Wedding season is also coming up, so I'll be making tons of money tending bar there. I also have work to do for a friend who needs a promotional flyer done for an event, a friend needs branding work done for herself as an interior designer, and my mom needs corporate identity work done for her new business. I'm a busy gal and getting busier!


Hitting rock bottom last weekend, part of my worries was my career. I felt like I wasn't going to be successful out of college. It felt like everyone I knew in my classes had internships under their belts and I was really worried about not being able to get a job when I finish my degree. The Universe must have been paying attention to me and POOF numerous opportunities. Good things do happen.


Tomorrow I will wake refreshed and ready to take on the world including continuing my weight loss journey. 

I've got the munchies

I have been so munchy today! Honestly, anything crunchy and salty gets my mouth watering. My biggest craving right now, as weird as it sounds, are Flaming Hot Cheetos. I have not had Flaming Hot Cheetos in years and I have no idea why I'm craving them right now! The spice, the crunch, the salt. I want it all! No worries, I will not be stopping by any gas stations to pick some up, ever. That's one thing that my body does not need.


I've been really trying to listen to my body and figure out what it needs. I've been making a plan for the day and then sticking with it for a few months and, while it's been working, I've also found myself not loving it so much. This week I've been trying to tune into my cravings and figure out where they're coming from, indulging the reasonable ones and breathing through the unreasonable ones. Last night, I got home pretty late and all I wanted were berries, lots and lots of berries. I thought about it and I was surprised that of all the things I could be craving, I wanted berries. I figured, this is a reasonable craving, so I had some berries before bed. Today, I am craving crunchy and salty. This is a craving I will not be giving into, but where is it coming from? Why does my body want salt and crunch?


I'm watching television right now and someone mentioned pineapple... Mmm, pineapple. Pineapple season starts in March and goes through July. Maybe I'll head over to the grocery store and get some pineapple... That sound better than Flaming Hot Cheetos!


Another part about listening to my body is paying attention to exercise cravings. These, believe it or not, happen to me. I'll be driving and see someone running, or watching television and see an Asics commercial about running, and I'll be hit with this desire to run. This happened to me this morning and I went with it. I had a great run! I can't believe that my body actually craves running. A year ago, I never would have craved anything active. It's amazing. I've changed so much in the past few months and I'm really starting to feel like I'm no longer forcing myself to live a healthy lifestyle. I'm just living it and craving it and loving it.


What do you do when you get intense cravings? Have you started to crave healthy foods more and more? What about unhealthy foods like Flaming Hot Cheetos, how do you deal with those kinds of cravings? Do you have a little bit and feel satisfied, do you give in and have a ton, or do you fight it off and have none?

I'm going to post twice to toot my own horn.

I had a great day of great tasting/great for me food. I had my usual breakfast of whole wheat toast, peanut butter, coffee and a banana. For lunch I reheated a turkey burger and had it with some blackberries (my new favorite) and yogurt. My snacks were all fruits and vegetables: carrots, an apple, and some raspberries (my other new addiction.) And for dinner I tried a new recipe! Well, it's not really new and I've made it before, but not for a long time. This time I made it Fit Erin Friendly. 

 Chicken Fajitas:

    1 lb natural boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into 1 inch pieces
    1 green bell pepper
    1/2 medium white onion (You can use a whole onion, but I only had half of one left over from my burgers.)

    3 tbsp cornstarch
    2 tbsp chili powder
    1 tbsp salt
    1 tbsp paprika
    1/2 tbsp sugar
    2-1/2 tsp ground up chicken boullion cube
    1-1/2 tsp onion
    1/2 tsp garlic powder
    1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
    1/2 tsp cumin
    1/4 tsp red pepper flakes

    1/3 cup water

    Mix up seasoning in a small bowl. Spray pan with cooking spray and heat over medium flame. Cook chicken pieces until golden brown, add peppers and onions, stir for about 3 minutes until onions start to turn translucent. Add seasoning mixture and water. Stir until well mixed and heated through.

Makes 4 cups.

Nutrition per cup: 186 calories. 1.5g fat. 8.3g carbohydrates. 1g fiber. 34g protein. 

I had mine with a FlatOut Flatbread cut in half (80 calories,) 1/4 cup 2% Milk Shredded Mexican Style Cheese from Market Pantry (80 calories,) and 2 tablespoons of hot salsa (10 calories.) Grand total for a healthy and satisfying dinner: 366 calories. Yum! My camera is dead but I'll take a picture tomorrow when I reheat another serving! I had this with some more berries and yogurt for dessert. What can I say, I'm addicted to berries and yogurt!


And on the peanut butter front, I've only had my 2 tablespoons for breakfast today. Doing well on the goal so far!

Winter is back

Boo! Yeah, that's right, I boo you, Winter! One run outside and then winter comes roaring back, keeping me cooped up in the gym. Speaking of the gym, LA Fitness tracks your check-ins and you can see the dates and times online. So far in March, I've gone to the gyms more times than February! That was a goal of mine that I came up with last week, but when I checked my check-in history I was already 2 sessions away from tying February. I was rockin' it without even knowing it. Sometimes, I even amaze myself.


I haven't stepped on the scale since Sunday, and I don't think I'll be weighing myself this Sunday either. I'm putting way too much pressure on that number right now. I was getting too deep into needing to see a decrease in order to be happy. So, I'm continuing my plan, but I'm skipping the weigh in part. I had a goal of losing the last 3 pounds by the end of March, but I'm going to cancel that goal and make a new one that doesn't put unhealthy pressure on me. My new goal is to go to the gym 5 more times in March than I did in February and to kick my stupid nighttime peanut butter habit by April 1. I usually put a little peanut butter on my Vitatop for dessert at the end of the day, but a little has turned into a lot which is turning into spoonfuls of peanut butter. Not OK! I'm going to say no to peanut butter all together after breakfast. It's just how it has to be.


All this snow is making me more and more excited for Twins baseball season!!!

I want to be here right now!

My mom has a 20 game season ticket package, plus 2 tickets to opening day and I am so excited! Baseball soothes me. And for those of you who don't live in Minnesota, or haven't been to Target Field, maybe it's time for a trip? You're missing out on one of the most amazing experiences.
It's snowing and it's the heavy stuff with a layer of ice underneath. I left class at 8:30 last night and it was raining ice pellets. I couldn't even look up as I walked because those pellets would sting as the hit me in the eyes, so I stared at my boots which were getting soaked, and shuffled the 4 or 5 blocks to my car. It was miserable! I want to go running OUTSIDE! I guess I'll have to settle for a treadmill workout. :-(

Figuring it out.

Again, I'm not kidding about the brutal honesty. I'm not hiding anything that is remotely attached to getting healthy and fit.


I would like to somewhat apologize for my post on Monday. I was angry and sad, but I still stand by what I said. I guess I'm just apologizing for the language and the way I said it. 


I feel like if you binge and don't try to figure out why it happened, you're not doing yourself any good. If you can't attack the problem behind the binge, the reasons that lead to it, then it will happen again. I don't think washing your hands, cleaning up the dishes, and saying, "Oops! Let's not get down on myself, everyone makes mistakes, and I can change my ways with the very next meal." Sure, you're being positive about it, you're not dwelling on what you did, but you're not fixing the underlying problem. 


I haven't been myself for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. My temper is getting the best of me, I'm not my usual happy self, and I feel blah. I've been ignoring it, living through it, and not trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. I think the best thing for me to do is to do some self exploration, take an active role in my emotions, and maybe even explore the possibility of professional help. I'm not a headcase, but I'm not myself and I want to figure out why, and how I can get myself back. 


I've known for a while that I binge because of emotions, but Sunday was the worst its ever been. I can't just ignore what I did and why I did it. If I want to be successful, I have to do what's necessary to be not only physically, but mentally as well. 

Rock bottom

See that up there? Where is says "brutally honest" in the title? Prepare yourself, I'm about to get brutally honest.


I've been reading some weight loss blogs and every once in a while you'll come to a post where the writer is dealing with overeating. She ate a bunch of cookies, or 17 tacos, or 90 chicken wings, 12 boxes of pasta, a whole jar of peanut butter with a side of graham crackers. Most of the time you'll read, "I ate it and the best thing to do is accept that it happened and move on. Tomorrow is a new day!" I'm calling BULLSHIT. So many bloggers out there say "move on!" Why don't you try figuring out WHY you did that, what emotions triggered that. Don't move on, FIGURE IT OUT. 


Yesterday, I hit rock bottom. I took a nap, went to the gym, had the absolute worst workout of my life, and went to the grocery store. I ate. And ate. And ate. Went to another grocery store and ate some more. I couldn't stop myself and I didn't want to. I wanted to numb my feelings of feeling like a failure. I'm not only talking about my failed workout, that was just the catalyst. I felt like a failure in my workout, my eating habits, my school work, my career goals, my finances, my intelligence, my love life, my emotions, my crazy head that I couldn't stop from spinning out of control. I couldn't even bring myself to cry because I didn't have it in me. I wanted to shut down in every way possible. I went through everything that is going awry in my life, all things little and big. I was spinning out of control so I ate. 


I woke up today feeling energized. Hitting rock bottom will do that to ya. You'll either hit rock bottom and stay there, or you'll pull yourself out feeling renewed. I felt like I was on autopilot for months. Eat, workout, go to work, go to school, go to sleep and repeat. My temper was flaring, my sanity was nonexistent, I was not happy with anything. I have become a negative person and I don't want to be that way. I want to be calm and happy. I want to feel in control and the only way I could regain control was to let go entirely. I released my grasp on myself and let my emotions take over. Think of it like a shaken Coke bottle. Release that cap, let the explosion happen, and wait for it to die down and clean up the mess. 


I've released the cap and I'm starting to clean up the mess. I'm refocusing on me and making myself happy. If that means walking over someone who I used to tread carefully around, so be it. Time for me to be selfish and do what I need to do for me. I'm embracing everything I'm feeling and I'm done bottling it in. Brutal honesty with myself and everyone around me. I'm not moving on from my binge yesterday. I'm figuring out why it happened and doing something about it. I'm taking my life back. 

And now it's raining

So much for my run around Lake Calhoun. It's raining in Minneapolis. I woke up around 8:30 and it was so was dark, I thought it was 6. I'm trying to work myself up enough to go to the gym but I'm so sleepy. It's this weather! Rainy days make it harder to energize.


I really should go to the gym and run. Weigh in day was today and I've maintained the same weight from last Sunday. I know why I didn't lose weight this week. I've been grazing way too much and not tracking it. A little bite here, a little bite there. My roommate had shortbread girl scout cookies and kept offering them to me. Spoonful of peanut butter before bed? Sure! Ugh, terrible habits die hard. I also only got to the gym 3 times last week, instead of the 5 times I got in the week before. Stupid peanut butter habit. I'd get rid of it but it's a vital part of my breakfast and I'd rather break this habit than have to give up peanut butter entirely. I don't want to have to make some foods off limits. Last night I did well though. I had dinner around 7:30 and then at about 11pm, I was hungry so I had some carrots and a couple raspberries. Much better than having a spoonful of peanut butter.


My arms and back are so sore! It feels awesome. I want to have toned arms for summer. Hello cute tank tops! I considering trying out tube tops this summer, but the only hesitation I have with that is my boobs. I am not the kind of girl that can get away without a bra and I haven't found a strapless bra I really like. They all tend to mash me down and make my chest look weird. Any recommendations for a good strapless bra?


Gym? Nap? Nap then gym? Gym then nap? I'll let you know.

The sun is shining and I am running

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

-- "Winter Winds" Mumford & Sons

I looked up the weather last night and it said high of 53 for today. And I made this plan:


Run to the gym.
Do some arms and abs.
Run home from the gym.


Yes, that just happened. I ran the 1.25 miles to the gym, almost nonstop. . . My sister saw me running and pulled over at the gas station a block up to say hi to me. She saw me running down the street and honked and waved. I thought it was her but her license plate was different, I guess she got a new one! The (cute) guy at the front desk asked me if I ran there and I breathlessly said with a smile on my face, "oh yes." He seemed impressed. 


I love running outside. Sure, it's harder because you have that wind resistance, the uneven terrain, and you don't have the treadmill belt pulling your foot behind you as you step. But it is also way more fun. There's more to look at, your mind stays active navigating around rough terrain, and you can run anywhere so you never get sick of your route. I'm so happy spring is on its way; I've been really struggling with feeling cooped up and getting sick of the treadmill. I woke up today literally vibrating from excitement over running outside for the first time since November. I could not wait to get out there.


Tomorrow my plan is to run around Lake Calhoun, 3.1 miles and I am so excited. I love spring and I love running.

Hangover

It's the day after Saint Patrick's Day and I'm still feeling Irish, so much so that I've been a useless blob all day long. Too much Irish whiskey! This feeling is why I gave up drinking for a couple months. Not only is drinking calories not cool, but the useless feeling I have the next day throws off my efforts. I know that if I drink, I won't go to the gym the next day, I just won't and I'll sleep instead. So, I've had my fun and I'm done with drinking again until the semester is done, which is May 7. I will not consume another drop of alcohol until May 7, you have my word.


Yesterday was my cheat day. I didn't cheat too badly, which I'm proud of. I had a reuben for lunch in honor of being Irish and a green frosted cupcake. That's about all the cheating I did. Dinner was chicken and veggies, my snacks were fruit, and my breakfast was the same as every other day. Well, then I have to factor in the Irish whiskey. I am not a sugary alcoholic drink kind of gal. Give me Irish whiskey or bourbon on the rocks, or with soda. No pop or juice mixers for me, I don't like the sugar and I don't like the high calorie content.


Today, I woke up late, had breakfast and then lunch. They were within my plan and I felt satisfied until I went out to go shopping. If you look back in my blog, I tell you that I am a size 10, and I still am a size 10. I was curious to see if I could maybe fit into a size 8 in a pair of pants that I already own in a size 10. My size 10 pants are pretty loose, but the size 8 did not fit me at all. It was a bit of a bummer and it sent me into a big sugar craving. I walked past Girl Scout cookie sales and glared at the cute little girls trying to sell me Samoas, went to the grocery store to see if they had any other Vitatop flavors and spent about 10 minutes there deciding if I really wanted a treat. I drooled over the ice cream, the cookies, the chocolate, the everything. I guarantee anyone who saw me wandering around the grocery store wouldn't have guessed that there was a war being waged inside my head. Buy a cookie. DON'T BUY A COOKIE. Get a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! DON'T DO IT. Easter candy! NO NO NO!


Well, friends, I walked quickly to the door, dropped off my empty basket and went to my car where I had an apple waiting for me. Yes, I beat the emotional eating! As I was driving home, enjoying my apple, I pictured myself this summer, on a boat, in a bikini, with my friends. In this picture I was laughing, having fun, feeling and looking great with all the confidence in the world. That is worth more than a stupid sugar craving. My goal for the rest of March is to work hard and lose those last 3 pounds of this first 10 pounds. After that, it's on to the next 10 pounds.


For dinner, I am having salmon, veggies, an english muffin and a Vitatop for dessert. Yum yum yum yum yum.

Oh my quads!

Good morning and Happy Saint Patrick's Day! My quads would like to say, "ooowwwwww." I worked out with my trainer yesterday and she had me doing all sorts of lower body stuff. I did lunges, squats, jumping squats, pushed a punching bag across the ground, crunches on the Bosu ball, and some other things I seem to have blocked from my memory. My quads are dead today! Feels good, but I hate being so sore that running hurts. Oh well, at least I know it was a good workout and I did something good yesterday. I might have some time to go for a run today before I commence my St. Patty's celebrations. I'm half Irish; I have to celebrate! My nails are green, I have a green shirt, beads (from New Orleans last St Patty's) and a hat that looks like a mug of beer. I go all out!


I'm watching TV right now and there is a giant fire in South Minneapolis! I guess a gas main broke and the police are evacuating the neighborhood! They are showing video from the traffic cameras in the area (it's really close to the freeway) and the flames are shooting into the sky. Check it out! This is pretty intense. They completely shut down the freeways in the area and are setting up a perimeter to keep people out. 


I have to confess something to you. I am a peanut butter addict. I have developed this horrible habit of eating peanut butter off a spoon after dinner. I don't know why. I'm not hungry when I do it and I don't even enjoy it that much. I just feel this impulse to eat something late at night and peanut butter has turned into my go-to for that impulse. I know it's responsible for my stall in weight loss this week. I have peanut butter on my toast every morning and I am fine with it early in the day. I don't feel the impulse to dip a spoon in it when I'm making my breakfast. It's just late at night. It's going to be my goal to stop this impulse and drink tea instead. 


Any suggestions for how to stop my nighttime snack attack? I'm not hungry after dinner but I still feel like I just need something to eat. It's pretty bad. 

Gag

I hate cucumbers. Just seeing one makes me gag. I'm not joking! They have the worst flavor, weird texture, and everyone seems to think they smell really good. No, they smell like feet dipped in sweet & sour sauce. I cannot eat something if it has cucumbers in it. Salad? Sure, I'll pick them out with a napkin covering my fingers, but I swear to you I can still taste them in there. Ruined salad. Sandwiches? I once ordered a sandwich from Jimmy Johns and specifically asked for no cucumbers. I even said please when I asked for NO CUCUMBERS. Well, it was made it cucumbers. Picture this: You're me, you hate cucumbers, and you have a giant delicious Beach Club sandwich, which you think is free of sickening cucumber slices. You bite in and chew once and there it is in your mouth, that flavor of sour milk masquerading as a fruit (they are a fruit, you can see the seeds. Don't even get me started.) And even though you have been brought up with some manners, you cannot help but spit your sandwich out into the wrapper in front of everyone and run to the bathroom to wash your mouth. You haven't eaten Jimmy John's since. 


I don't know why I hate cucumbers so much. I'm not allergic or anything like that. I just hate cucumbers with a passion. It almost makes me angry that they seem to be a fan favorite in sandwiches and salad. There are much much much better veggies that you can put in your sandwiches. Lettuce, tomato, onion, peppers; pile them on! But I swear if a cucumber touches my sandwich, I'll throw a fit. It's really stupid that you can bite through your sandwich, through the lettuce, through the tomato, through the onion, and yet when you get to the cucumber slice, you fail to bite through that and it comes out of your sandwich. Now, look at what that cucumber has done to you, it's making you look like a sloppy eater hanging out of your mouth like that. They sometimes even get their own salad! That's ridiculous. Cucumber salad, AKA my worst nightmare. 


What foods are out there that you simply cannot stand? I know a lot of people hate cilantro. There's even a website called I Hate Cilantro that is dedicated to the hatred of cilantro. (I must confess, I think cilantro is horrible, but not nearly as bad as cucumbers.)


I just Googled "I hate cucumbers" and I was brought to this article that says cucumber hatred could be in your genes. Interesting. . . :)

If not for you, then who?

Whom? Who? I am a very smart person and I follow grammar rules, but that's one I've never fully understood.


I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so determined to lose weight and be healthier. I've tried losing weight a couple times before and I didn't make it very far. I don't think I ever lost more than a couple pounds. So, why is this time so different?


I used to want to lose weight solely to be thin and be more attractive, that was my only reason for wanting to lose weight. I thought if I were thin, I'd get lots of dates, be really happy and popular, and feel sexy. Even at my heaviest, I still went on dates, I still had lots of friends, and I was happy and I had my moments of feeling sexy. Obviously, this wasn't enough of a motivative reason for wanting to lose weight. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't losing weight now for vain reasons. Yes, I want to look good, I want to feel more attractive, I want to feel comfortable with my body with a man. This time though, it's not the only reason. 


The healthier I become, the more weight I lose, the farther I run, the better I feel. The better I feel, the more I want to keep pushing along. I realized I hadn't been living up to my full potential for years. I'm only 23 years old! I shouldn't be feeling run down, tired, depressed, and lame. I should be running around, living life, feeling like a vibrant 23 year old woman. I also want to feel like a vibrant 23 year old woman when I'm 30, when I'm 40, when I'm 50. I've been living under this illusion that I'll be young forever and that aging can't touch me, but as I get older, things start hurting, I'm slowing down, and I just feel old. Aging scares me. If eating well and exercising will help keep me feeling younger for longer, I'll do it, gladly. I don't want to fall apart later in life. 


My nephew is due in May, the first in my family. I want to be there in his life for as long as I can. I want to be a fun aunt, the one who takes him to the park and plays with him. His other aunt, on his dad's side, is obese and my sister is terrified that she won't be around in his life because of her weight. She's scared that her weight will stop her from being able to play with him, babysit him, and may eventually kill her. As my sister was sharing these fears with me, I was thinking about my own health and how important it is to be a part of his life for as long as I can. I am capable of making changes in my life that will keep me in my nephew's life for longer. Having someone to be healthy for is a great motivation. I only wish that his other aunt would figure that out.


This time, my weight loss journey feels different. It feels possible because I have the right reasons. Why are you getting healthy?