Rock bottom

See that up there? Where is says "brutally honest" in the title? Prepare yourself, I'm about to get brutally honest.


I've been reading some weight loss blogs and every once in a while you'll come to a post where the writer is dealing with overeating. She ate a bunch of cookies, or 17 tacos, or 90 chicken wings, 12 boxes of pasta, a whole jar of peanut butter with a side of graham crackers. Most of the time you'll read, "I ate it and the best thing to do is accept that it happened and move on. Tomorrow is a new day!" I'm calling BULLSHIT. So many bloggers out there say "move on!" Why don't you try figuring out WHY you did that, what emotions triggered that. Don't move on, FIGURE IT OUT. 


Yesterday, I hit rock bottom. I took a nap, went to the gym, had the absolute worst workout of my life, and went to the grocery store. I ate. And ate. And ate. Went to another grocery store and ate some more. I couldn't stop myself and I didn't want to. I wanted to numb my feelings of feeling like a failure. I'm not only talking about my failed workout, that was just the catalyst. I felt like a failure in my workout, my eating habits, my school work, my career goals, my finances, my intelligence, my love life, my emotions, my crazy head that I couldn't stop from spinning out of control. I couldn't even bring myself to cry because I didn't have it in me. I wanted to shut down in every way possible. I went through everything that is going awry in my life, all things little and big. I was spinning out of control so I ate. 


I woke up today feeling energized. Hitting rock bottom will do that to ya. You'll either hit rock bottom and stay there, or you'll pull yourself out feeling renewed. I felt like I was on autopilot for months. Eat, workout, go to work, go to school, go to sleep and repeat. My temper was flaring, my sanity was nonexistent, I was not happy with anything. I have become a negative person and I don't want to be that way. I want to be calm and happy. I want to feel in control and the only way I could regain control was to let go entirely. I released my grasp on myself and let my emotions take over. Think of it like a shaken Coke bottle. Release that cap, let the explosion happen, and wait for it to die down and clean up the mess. 


I've released the cap and I'm starting to clean up the mess. I'm refocusing on me and making myself happy. If that means walking over someone who I used to tread carefully around, so be it. Time for me to be selfish and do what I need to do for me. I'm embracing everything I'm feeling and I'm done bottling it in. Brutal honesty with myself and everyone around me. I'm not moving on from my binge yesterday. I'm figuring out why it happened and doing something about it. I'm taking my life back.